My Embarressing Weakness

Forever21

I never feel more self-conscious than when I walk into a Forever21 store because I'm no longer 21. Plus, everyone in there is aspiring to be 21, so I'm like the fucking crypt keeper. I'm terrified of super girly, trendy, popular teenage girls, but I also love Forever21's cheap-ass designer knock-offs, so I fight my crippling shopping anxieties and plow into their rows of sweet, sweet deals.

Anyway, I feel like Forever21 inspires everyone to be whorish. I would never, ever say to myself, "Hmm, a silver sequined, boobies-bearing, mini-dress with a satin ribbon sash sounds like the PERFECT ensemble for me!", but as soon as I step inside Forever21, I find myself drawn to that exact item. And not only drawn to, but actually convinced of the fact that I'd look crazysexycool in it. Catholic confessional moment: I almost bought previously described whore-dress today. I spent a good ten minutes in the dressing room deciding if I wanted to throw away $27.80 on a dress that would just sit in my closet (although just having it in my closet would make me feel cooler, as every time I would look at it I would think, "I can't wait for the fabulouscoolsexytimes party that will someday occur that I will wear this to", and then fantasize about the hot foreign man who will sweep me away in my cheap sequin dress--I know all this because I already own a silver sequin sheath dress from Forever21 that I always meant to wear for New Year's but haven't and just sits in my closet). They don't have a picture of this sequin dress on the Forever21 website, but here are a few other items that caught my eye, but that I didn't purchase because I was showing self-restraint and was only at the mall to buy my best friend a birthday present and nothing for myself. Actually, I did buy a two dollar black fabric braided headband. Headbands are my kryptonite, what can I say.

Junk That Only Me and The 8th Grade Sluts from St. Cecilia's Like:

Sequin Craze Mesh Tunic: $22.80. I try not to buy items that have "mesh" in their title, but LOOK at this. How perfect would it be...if I were a totally different person who lived in LA and partied in hot nightclubs with slutty celebrities on Tuesday nights, right??! Anyway, it's sparkly and caught my attention momentarily. Forgive me.

Double breasted wool dress: $32.80. OMFG it's a Peacoat dress! I'm sure all of you know that I am obsessed with woolly winter coats, so this is pretty much the greatest fucking dress I could ever imagine. If I had any sort of design sensibility (and sewing dexterity) whatsoever, you better believe this is what I would have come up with. Except maybe in grey.

Fab Shoulder Sequin Dress: $15.50. Wait, what--$15.50 for a dress??? Do you get the whole dress, or just like, the front half? Actually, upon closer inspection, the price makes sense, as I'm pretty sure this is what a young tranny ice-capades skater would wear. Furthermore, it makes skinny-ass model girlfriend look pregnant, so god help any non-13 year old, 87 lbs. Forever21 customer who tries this on. I threw this one onto the list for price and my inexplicable attraction to and desire for any sequined, New Years Eve-style dress.

Ruched Front Knit Dress: $27.80. Okay, first of all, you're not fooling anyone with this dress' name, Forever21. Let's call a spade a spade: this is a Herve Leger knock off, and actually kind of a bizarre one, as the "bandage dress" stops at the waist and then becomes like, an empire waist thing, instead of the low, boobie-alert cut of a real Herve Leger. And yet...me likey. I doubt I would actually look good in this, but it intrigues me. And it's $27.80 for god's sake.

Linen Tank Dress: $22.80. I like it's Maria Von Trapp vibe, and you know that as soon as I got drunk I'd be acting all cutesy and swinging the skirt out in the exact manner of this model.

Symbol DB Coat: $47.80. This is a little steep for Forever21. When the prices get above $25, I tend to think, "Why not just go to Gap and something that costs three dollars more, but will last for longer than 3 nights out?". However, this is a really cute coat. In reality, I look shit in lipstick red, but I always delude myself into thinking I'd look killer in it. Sadly, no. I tried this coat on today and, as usual, looked super washed-out in it. Also, what does "Symbol DB" mean? Is it a reference to the symbology in Dan Brown's thrillers?