Twinkle Lights

Merry Christmas

Amurrica

Friends, I spent this weekend taking advantage of all the freedoms granted to us Amurricans.

I went to the beach house with my whole extended family and spent most of the time tanning on the lawn/beach, walking various dogs, reading old copies of Vogue (articles about Sandra Bullock's perfect marriage are tearjerkers), painting my nails, watching really awesomely bad tv (You're Cut Off, Say Yes to the Dress), discussing our absent cousin's upcoming wedding, and eating. And eating. And eating. Pulled pork, bbq chicken, about 100 bowls of ice cream (I gave up giving up dairy for the weekend), lasagna, about 10 hot dogs...I won't embarrass myself by going into more detail. The only thing to rival my food consumption is my alcohol consumption, which began around 11 am on the 4th and ended around 8pm on the 6th. It's really quite wonderful to have a cousin who is a bartender.

My family is really, really, really into the 4th of July. It's hard to explain. We're not especially patriotic; it's more that we're really big fans of bar-be-ques and huge pyromaniacs. All of us are taught from an early age to love the scent of singed cardboard and the aroma of the Ground Blooming Flower. And, yes, we know all the names of the best fireworks. This year, our favorites included: Release the Beast, Peppermint Patty, Stegosaurus (green flames and dino noises), and Girl Power (2nd photo).

girl power: a zig a zag ahhhh

We went and watched the town firework show on the dunes and named each one as they went off. Some of the better name ideas went from the adorable: Cinderella's Castle, Lily of the Valley, Unicorn horn; to the obscene: Fire Crotch, Sex on the Beach, Taco Bell Food Poisoning. Then everybody came home and set off the aforementioned fireworks in the street for an hour. After that, all of us who are of age and/or morally pliable partook in a little booze-filled family bonding dance party in the backyard. The Olds just loved us the next morning. I haven't been yelled at like that by so many adult relatives since the 4th of July I was 11 and my cousins and I, without telling our parents, walked down to the apocalyptic scene that is the beach post-fireworks show. Oops. Anyway, after smoothing out some family rifts, we spent the day tanning at the beach because it was 73 and not windy, which is like, some kind of miracle. I even got a little tan!

Yesterday my cousin C and I stayed late to enjoy the sunshine and then road tripped back to 90 degree Portland blasting Patsy Cline and other classic Americana music, such as N*SYNC. The drive on Hwy 26 from the Peninsula to Portland is my favorite drive in the world; the sun filters through these huge trees and everything glows. And then, on a slightly deeper level than my love for hot dogs and Popsicles, I was thankful for Amurrica and all its wonders, from sea to shining sea. The end.

Easter

Every year my family goes to midnight mass, as do all our friends, and afterward the parish holds this gigantic feast. Picture Beowulf's Mead Hall scene, but with less bloodshed and more suits and ties. There are like, 4 cafeteria tables worth of goodies including caviar, marinated shrimp, homemade meatballs, smoked salmon, sushi, ham, souvlaki, and more ham. And then in the "Fireside Room" there are 5 tables full of desserts. I'm not joking. Best of all, there are two tables of champagne bottles. There's basically one bottle per person. The first time I got drunk was because of this event, ahh memories!

Anyway, almost every kid I grew up with is there, so it's a crazy reunion party, too. We all get to meet new boy/girlfriends (and judge them), hear about someone's annoyingly perfect younger/older siblings, and complain about that one chick's creepy dad who almost ran one of us over in the parking lot one Easter (true story). We all consume a shit ton of the stuff we gave up for Lent (ie booze, chocolate, candy, meat), feel ill, walk around outside for awhile, then eat and drink some more until we're kicked out by the priest around 1am. It's pretty epic, and I don't really know of any other church that goes as balls-out as mine does for Easter.

Anyway, the Saturday night feast means no one in my family eats (excepting Easter Bunny candy, duh) until Easter dinner with the whole family, at which we consume pretty much the same amount as we did the night before. Except this time we don't have to make small talk with a family friend who used to drive me to soccer practices. This year there was a family contest to see whose Peep could be microwaved the largest. Exploding Peeps are disqualified. We also did a Peep battle, aka Peep Jousting, in which you insert toothpicks into the chests of each Peep, face the Peeps toward each other in the microwave, and see which Peep expands enough to poke the other in the chest with its toothpick first. Mine got second place.

And that was my Easter.

Happy Bday, Prezzies!

Printable coloring page I found on the Crayola website

Dear Presidents Washington & Lincoln,

Thank you for being born and cultivating extra-special qualities so that you'd one day become Leaders of the Free World and whatnot, because without you two lovely gents, my weekend wouldn't have been quite as fun.

Friday

Family members descend upon Portland for Grandpa's birthday

Lasagna and red wine at aunt and uncle's abode

OLYMPICS MADNESS with family

Saturday

All day cousin madness includes breakfast, present shopping for grandpa, Olympics watching, spaghetti sauce making, drinking

Spaghetti dinner

Yahtzee. I totally pwn one of my aunts

Cousin teaches me how to use a Kindle. I decide that if the device wasn't totally massacring my intended career field, I would like to buy one

Drinking

Cake, ice cream, presents

OLYMPICS MADNESS with family

Sunday

Really lazy morning

Parents give me Valentine's Day cards, some candy, and heart-printed boxers

K and E and I have a massive Valentine's Day lady-day: mimosas, chick flicks, mini-quiches, dark chocolate M&Ms, popcorn, tortilla chips and guac, etc. We laze around E's apt. in mimosa-induced sleepiness all afternoon

K & I speaker-phone call M in NYC to hear about her scandalous love life. Act like 13 year olds on a three way call

Left-overs dinner with grandpa, aunts, uncles, cousins

Wii sports tournament

OLYMPICS MADNESS. I fall in love with this male ice skater

Monday

Brunch at my fave place EVER with the entire family because it's my grandpa's actual bday

AT&T store to look at iPhones because my 2 year contract is up

Eat Valentine's Day candy

Play outside because it's BEAUTIFUL WEATHER

Give puppies a bath

Watch Westminster Dog Show

Things I Like #14

Love

To celebrate Valentine's Day, here is a list of my former romances

The Loves of Lara

Lance Bass

So he turned out to be gay, whatevs, he was super hot in the mind of 12 year old Lara. I don't regret a second of my obsession with Mr. Bass. None of those moments spent pondering his spikey hair or green eyes are considered wasted.

Bert from Mary Poppins

Fashionable, artistic, tells good jokes, British accent, dexterous, limber dancer, flirtatious, nice singing voice, dirty, grimey...what's not to like???

Paul Walker

I still think you're really, really, ridiculously pretty

Dad from The Parent Trap (aka Brian Keith)

So he's kind of old, but he also owned a kick-ass ranch house in California, and when I was 8 I wanted to marry him and spend my afternoons swimming in his pool with him and his twin daughters

Moon Doggie, love interest in Gidget (aka Bobby Darren)

Moon Doggie, I secretly loved you more than anyone else, even more than Leo and Lance, which is saying a lot

Leo

Let's just take a minute of silence to appreciate the beauty that was 1990s Leonardo DiCaprio
NEVER LET GO...of that awesome hairstyle that made 11 year old me totally enamored

Joey Harrington

Who is this?, you may ask. Very well, I will explain. He is currently an NFL player, but back in the day he played football for Portland's Central Catholic High School and U of O. You were forbidden fruit, because I was destined to attend CCHS's rival high school. One time, in 7th grade, I stood on the sidelines at PGE park during a high school play-off game, and you walked by and gave me a high five. I can still feel the sting of your hand slapping mine. It was magical.

Han Solo (aka Harrison Ford)

Was there any girl who did not fall in love with you when their Dad first made them watch Star Wars in like, 4th grade? My Dad thought I liked the Ewoks, but it was really you who I thought cutest of them all

Freddie Prinze Jr.

I still own a copy of She's All That on VHS. Your hair achieved spikey heights no other 1990s teen heartthrob could manage. I loved you so much I suffered through that stupid baseball movie you were in with weird-0 face Matthew Lillard, and the one in NYC where that blond chick thought you were a serial killer, and both Scooby Doos

Brian from BSB

You had a hole in your heart (ventricular septal defect), and I knew I could fill it with my love

Even Rodents Need Love

this is not my photo

Punxsutawney Phil, aka the Groundhog Day groundhog, is a very special furry creature. Besides being America's best loved weatherman (actually he's in a dead-heat with Al Roker), he's a fan of reading, a great friend, and a devoted husband.

Yes, that's right, Phil is a family man with a wife named...Phyllis. They live together with about 30 other groundhogs in a "zoo" outside of the children's section of the Punxsutawney Memorial Library.

However, all might not be well in groundhog paradise; a few years back, Ol' Philly tried to escape, and his handlers had to wrangle him back to his abode. Perhaps he and Phyllis had a fight over who got to chew on the returned copy of See Spot Run.

If you're as fascinated by this unique American celebrity as I am, visit his website. Fantastic! I wonder when he'll start his descent into LiLo-dom.

It's Christmas Time in the City

Lots of fun stuff going on!

Last week Christmas movie night at Emily's with Kels and Cara (and hot chocolate with peppermint schnapps). "Eight is a lot of legs, David" and "I hate Uncle Jamie".

Another Christmas movie day--a FULL DAY--with aunt and girl-cousins. We watched the shit out of White Christmas and Holiday Inn. And Nat. Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Family Christmas party with all the aunts, uncles, and cousins

(minus one, who is training back east for the Marines and is trying to fight the snowstorm to make it back to Oregon before shipping out--please, please, please melt, east coast snow). Always the highlight of the holiday season, as it involves a group of ten 20-somethings singing Christmas songs, doing White Elephant exchanges, getting dirt on our parents from slightly tipsy aunts, and trying to sneak booze to younger cousins.

Peacock Lane, a street with 100% participation in Christmas light decorating (super intense, you have to sign a contract when you move in that you'll go all out every year), with Emily, Kels, and Cara. Photos:

Christmas Explosion

My mother's Christmas decorating philosophy is More is More:

A Day Which Will Live in Infamy

BIRTHDAY

Thanks for all the fun times today, Seattle-ites and Portlanders

Thanks, Thanksgiving!

Dear Thanksgiving Weekend,

Thank you for bringing me so much fun, food, and friend-family-time!

Wednesday:

Roommate L and Roommate's sister M came home to Portland!!!! Sexytimes at Starbucks for the three of us. Almost peed my pants when I saw them waiting for me. Around 10pm Best Friend L came home. Greeted her at her house and drank and watched shitty reality TV with her and her mom.

Thursday:

Woke up late, ate my favorite Nancy's Yogurt, watched National Dog Show, made carrot side dish, went over to grandpa's at 2:30, began eating and drinking at 3:30, drank and played cards with cousins until 1 am. 17 relatives in attendance. This was the night my 10 year old male cousin told me that 23 was too old to have a boyfriend; either I'd have to be married or give up and become a spinster. He also said that you peak at 15. Well, shit, I hope children aren't as wise as people claim them to be.

Friday:

Felt disgusting, watched shitty reality TV with Best Friend L. For the second day in a row went over to grandpa's house at 3, had our traditional Leftovers Dinner, drank a lot, played more games with my cousins, watched new Star Trek movie with my cousins and several aunts and uncles. Enjoyed family time, but was happy to escape to grab drinks with Best High School Friends, K and M. Got pretty sloppy, went to VooDoo Doughnuts to sop up all the liquid in us, went to some dive bar downtown and ran into a ton of high school people, got two free drinks from unattractive yet generous gentlemen, and then didn't have to drive home!!!! Thank god for K having some family shit to do the next morning at 8 and offering to be the DD.

Saturday:

Slept in, massive hang-over, lounged at Best Friend L's until her mother forced us to go pick up the sushi for L's birthday dinner party. FOUND OUT THAT WEST PORTLAND'S WATER HAS E COLI IN IT, ergo did not shower. By this point had not showered since Wednesday*, and probably reek of turkey and alcohol. Best Friend L and I tried to make ourselves look presentable sans water (Jesus H. Christ, are we in Appalachia or what?!!), put on outfits entirely deriving from Forever21, ate a bunch of the sushi before guests came so we got the best rolls, made Lava Lamp Cocktails (pomegranate liquor, champagne, pomegranate seeds--seeds float up and down like a Lava Lamp), childhood friends and all their families attended, which of course meant we drank like fiends, almost puked up birthday cake but continued drinking Cooks, learned disturbing sexual secrets from mothers of childhood friends, drank more to erase those unpleasant revelations, played Yahtzee, picked at leftover cake, drank more, felt relieved when adults left at midnight, put on sweatpants and watched Degrassi with L and two other friends, passed out around 3am for the second night in a row.

Sunday:

Sleep in real, real late. Get woken up by L at 11:30 telling me to get my ass down to her house because her mother is taking us to brunch in NW Portland. Eat scrambled eggs and orange juice because they can't make tea due to the LITERAL SHIT in Portland's water supply. Walk around NW 23rd Ave for several hours. Discover that one of my favorite New York stores, Brooklyn Industries, has its only West Coast location on 23rd. Feel remarkably un-hungover despite, according to L's math, having consumed 2 bottles of champagne by myself. Come home around 4 and nap until 6. Return to L's for dinner. Bum around her house until she has to leave for the airport. Go look at Christmas lights with my parents.

*It is Sunday at 10:45 and I have still not showered. That's right, my friends, 5 days of food and alcohol and no shower. And my hair has never looked better. No joke, totes serious.

Halloweekend '09

--Watching Hocus Pocus with Kelsey, Cara, and Emily

--Chillin' like a villain with Cousin Claire, back from NYC for the week, at her at her family's house

--Eating copious amounts of candy that, as my mother kept reminding me, "Is for the trick-or-treaters!". But who can resist mini-Reese's???

--Answering the door for the neighborhood's kiddies who started showing up around 5 to steal my delicious candy away. It's my precious!

--Heading over to SE Belmont with Katie for Halloween night at La Calaca Comelona, http://www.lacalacacomelona.com/AboutUs.html, which has a Day of the Dead theme, perf for Halloween boozing!

Bum Wednesday

It's Wednesday. What does that mean in normal person-speak? It means the worst day of the week; it's not acceptable to drink on a Tuesday night, so you didn't have any fun the evening before, and it's not yet Thursday so you're probably not going out later. What does that leave you with? Exhaustion, boredom, desparation, endless hours of checking your social networking site of choice. It's really quite the joyous day for those who are gainfully employed.

I, on the other hand, am jobless. Who knows how long this will last, but I propose to make this Wednesday, and all future Wednesdays that I remain unemployed, "Bum Wednesday". "Bum Wednesday" is a new holiday.

Every unemployed Wednesday I am going to get up no earlier than 10am, I am going to spend too much time on the internet, I am not going to get dressed, I am not going to shower (not that that's anything new), I am not going to put on makeup, I am not going to exercize, I am going to eat popsicles or some other disgusting childhood summertime food, and I am going to lie in front of the TV/youtube screen all day doing nothing. These are the essentials of Bum Wednesday.

Additional rules: I can only leave the house under extreme circumstances (such as an offer to eat a fatty lunch with friends), I cannot jobsearch, I cannot better myself (painting my nails is the one exception), I must keep the bedroom blinds closed for no less than one hour after waking from my slumbers, I must spend a significant portion of my day channel flipping, I cannot talk to people who are being productive (ie. replying to texts from people who are bored at their respective places of employment [unless it is this response: "sry, bum wdnsdy. cn't talk 2 u now. 2 bsy wtchin telemundo]), I cannot read anything deemed "high literature", I must spend a minimum of one consecutive hour surfing the web, I cannot clean, I cannot spend more than $10 (especially since I am only allowed out of the house for extreme circumstances).

I know what you're thinking: this new holiday is nothing new; it's called my average Sunday morning experience--it's basically a hangover day! I call foul on "holiday status". However, please keep in mind that this is Hangover Day minus the pounding headache and/or intestinal distress. Thus, it deserves it's status as a holiday. Viva la Bum Wednesday!

Wednesdays will be my mid-week weekend, so to speak. I deserve it. Being unemployed is exhausting! I've been: teaching my newly legal cousin T how to drink last Tuesday; eating (and drinking) for Italy at Taste of Abruzzo with K & M last Wednesday; chillin like a villian with Garrett and his cat and other friends last Thursday, as well as coping with the deaths of Ed McMahon, Farrah, MJ, and Billy Mayes; an extensive Moe happy hour turned into a happy night turned into an improv show on Friday; a hungover Saturday and a send-off dinner for K, who is on her way to Italy; and getting cable installed on Sunday. Monday was spent at Cal Anderson with the roommate, eating chips and guac. Yesterday was spent at Volunteer park where I ran into M, and getting dinner/ice cream with Katrina. Therefore, today is going to be Bum Wednesday. I'll let you know how it goes.

Pictures and documentation to follow.